something is coming, i'm just lying here
I’m coming to you in the supine position, on a mattress, located on my soon-to-be ex-bedroom’s floor, and I am approximately 73% immobile. I have two pillows under my knees, and you (to me, you are my ThinkPad) are resting on my belly. I’ve just consumed half of an entire Domino’s pizza, which I will regret before morning, and I’m half-watching a Tana Mongeau vlog - suspend your judgments, thank you.
Entirely my own fault, I have flared up whatever inflammation contributes to the excrutiating pain of my lumbar spinal stenosis (fancy). Yesterday, I disassembled and chucked my old $2,000 bedframe after failing to sell it on various resale furniture websites, along with Craigslist, and Facebook Marketplace. Not only does this feel like a massive waste, but I also most certainly further injured my back doing so. I’ve apparently pushed myself past all my prior limits, and I’m asserting this on the basis that I have never felt nerve pain to this extreme degree. I can barely feel my right foot, it feels like a small rodent is building a nest in my right calf muscle, and my buttcheek feels like I’m actively being spanked by a very unkind person. I’m on a double dose of Celebrex, and I just took two of my muscle relaxers after walking Courtney. Despite this, I somehow still managed to drive around and get things done today, til about 3pm when I set up camp here. I have absolutely no intention of moving until morning.
None of this is what I came here to talk about.
I’ve been struggling [with struggling] lately, as I wrote in my last whateverthefuckthisis, but beyond that I have felt this deep, yet inexpressable desire to express myself. It feels very backwards from how I usually work. Usually when I get into this mode, I latch onto a topic/theme and hyperfixate in the form of churning out TikTok videos in nearly realtime, I go full online. Instead, I’ve gone into a harvesting/nesting mode. For a couple months now, I’ve been feeling something big coming, some sort of massive change within myself that I haven’t grabbed onto yet and can’t see the image of. I think this is partially why I’ve gone into burnout and isolation. Instead of posting, I’ve just been documenting and storing, and I think I can finally see a vague outline of what all of that will turn into. This is exciting for me, because I know a wave will come take me soon.
I canceled plans tonight with a group of strangers from TikTok live I was supposed to meet at a queer bar, then go dancing. I would have gone if not for the whole back thing, well, at least I’m telling myself that, but who knows! I did send a message and say I’d love to another time, which is true, in theory.
It’s taking a lot to not text my ex-long-distance-situationship. Partially because I’m still in love with her, but mostly because I tend to reach out to people when I don’t feel well in hopes for selfish comfort. Considering the last thing I said to her was “fuck you” after insulting her mental state due to the filthiness of her car, I will sit this one out… forever.
I have several messages I haven’t responded to which are weighing on me. One from a girl in New York who overwhelms me when we speak, but I keep forgetting until we reconnect. Another from a ketamine infusion clinic I ghosted after not showing up for my scheduled appointment, because if I really thought ketamine could cure my depression, I’d do the ketamine sitting in my cabinet. And another from a person who makes objectively cool hyper-kitty-art-pop, asking what day is good to get together and fuck around. We’ve gone halfheartedly back and forth for a couple months, but I think we’ll meet up soon. I just texted them back after writing that, “sorry I’ve been flaky as fuck,” and I’m free next weekend. This is me attempting to be more human.
My body is now swelling up from lactose and sodium, and I’m off to have weird dreams about it.