ring ring, motherf*cker.

June 2023 episode of the podcast ‘Emergency Intercom’

I associate the sound with middle-school dances; indoor basketball courts of concrete

Fumbles and bumps, awkward shuffles, no eye contact

Loose brackets on my teeth—unreliable; “crank that thang now yooooou”

I associate the sound with my ringback tone in 2005—an opening riff engrained as,

👹👹👹 "HOT 99.5—ROCKIN’ FIVE STATES, FIFTEEN COUNTIES—AND THE WHITE HOUSE” 👹👹👹

I associate the sound with long lines in the sun. Tents of total bitches—take a brochure, stick a pin… what THE FUCK is a digital download?

I associate the sound with death. Car crashes. Virginity.

I associate the sound with concession stands, “WELCOME TO MOVIEFONE”—Oceans Twelve at 4pm in West Palm, and “ok, but have you listened to DARE?”

A fat man with a fluffy cat.

It a l l adds up.

I associate the sound with a first day of work. Corporate playlists by budding Millennials; “internships should be fucking illegal”

Call a spade a spade.

I associate the sound with World of Warcraft raids. YouTube holes. Tumblr. HTML. MySpace. AIM. Teen Choice Awards. “Big hat; tiny dude.”

I associate the sound with inconvenience. Untimely invasions. Distractions, disturbances, unwilling earworms, shitty fucking HITS, philosophical musings of a madman, cracked veneers, slashed bumper stickers, white butterflies in my garden, pool parties, backing tracks, VIP tents, bottle service, Fort Lauderdale, Baltimore, Richmond, house shows, bong rips, cutting myself, Taco Bell on the way home, bouncy boobs, hard boobs, squishy boobs, big dicks, paddle-boats, duck ponds, catfish, crawfish boils, and hedonism.

And you have the fucking nerve to call me... with that sound?