June 24, 2026

I’m in a pretty significant amount of physical pain again, and re-scheduled (also, again) for surgery on July 13th.

The unfortunate reality of that… it’s taken reaching a level of a totally different category of pain, and while this has ultimately led to finally seeking a permanent solution… I am now experiencing a pain level I cannot power through.

Yesterday and today, I seem to be in some sort of flared up state. It’s never been this bad, and I’m really hoping it’s temporary. I haven’t been able to walk much, been having trouble falling asleep, and then there’s the chain reaction of being unable to get out of bed until much later than I’d like to.

It’s a double-edged sword, too much mobility seems to cause inflammation, but too little mobility causes an overall tightness, which also worsens things. When it’s this bad, it’s difficult to stay on track mentally, and I feel somewhat of a prisoner inside my own body and mind.

I’ve been attempting to keep up appearances online, I felt I was on somewhat of a roll with my videos last week, was feeling more myself, but now I feel incapable of getting ready, fixing my lighting, making myself or “it” look nice. I’ve been deleting most everything I post.

I’m having trouble not getting stuck in cycles of mental self-pity, which coupled with the intensity of the nerve pain, honestly puts me in a pretty dark place mentally. I’m trying to not spiral. I feel alone during a time I feel most people would have others surrounding them. I both despise myself, and the world around me, for allowing my existence to take place. I never asked to be born, and I never asked to spend this life I never wanted in this manner, on top of it add physical pain which sears through my skull to my toes? Fuck this.