July 31, 2026

I think I have OCD. Not the kind that makes you wash your hands 15 times in a row, or the kind associated with being incredibly type-A. I think I have the kind that tells you to sit in bed, nearly catatonic, and wait until exactly X time to arise, complete one small task - reset, 15 minutes of decompression, rise again, no - reset, 15 minutes of decompression. I feel like I get stuck in a loop.

I was watching the same video on repeat for the 3rd or 4th time, having the thought that I didn’t want to watch it again, but for some reason needed to do so. While this was happening, I was also picking my right thumb’s cuticle, and having vividly detailed intrusive narrative daymares of running into people I don’t want to see while about to board an airplane. The whole story was that I was having an excellent morning, then I got to my gate, and there were all those people. None of us wanted to get on the plane from that point, under the assumption we were in some IRL Final Destination plot, so I announced “Fuck it, I’ll drive myself! You fly!” They then screamed “No, we’re going to drive there, and if you drive there, we’ll still run into each other,” to which I stated there would be no way I was going to get on that airplane.

I do things like this too often for it to be considered “average”… I think.

Something I’ve always struggled with is my sense of urgency, or rather, my version of such. It’s not that I lack a sense of urgency, I think I am just able to view things which must be accomplished where they are on the totem pole. If it’s not actually urgent, I cannot make it be. Things tend to increase in urgency with time, so I prefer to procrastinate. I’ve never enjoyed the results of anything I planned too far in advance, in all categories.