I wish I lived in California

you know???

I got back to Chicago yesterday from ten whole days in Southern California - I’m really bummed to be back in the Midwest, and I don’t even know how to begin to process my trip, but I’m going to give it my best shot…

A couple weeks before my trip, I had met up with an internet friend, here in Chicago. I didn’t realize I’d actually met him in person before any of this. In fact, I remained completely ignorant to that fact until the second day of my trip, while sitting in his car, he had to remind me that we did indeed play a festival together in 2024. In Canada! What???

I remember the day now, but it took a long, hot shower of mental digging. I had been hyper-fixated on another artist at that show, whom I’d been a fan of for a long time, and she had played right before us. I probably spent all of this new friend’s set trying to work up the nerve to tell the other artist how much I loved her music. I didn’t need to do that cause we wound up doing a whole tour together later, where I most certainly told her countless times how much I loved her music… and made an ass of myself in a million other ways, too. That’s a debatable statement, though, in my personal opinion. I’m not even remotely embarrassed. In retrospect, I should have gone much harder.

I’d been in a weird headspace in the months prior to this trip… what else is new? Feeling caught in this in-between of the initial collapse of my life as I knew it, yet with a deep knowing that I have to continue moving forward, all while dead set on not giving up the only thing I care about anymore - music, and the act of making it.

My general sense of aimlessness, combined with momentarily witnessing another band’s familiar and mundane post-show check-in process to a Hilton property, the sight of a Bandago, and a single drag of a cigarette at least two other people took a hit of - these things meshed together in my mind, and ultimately gave me the nagging urge to ask this person for… help? We had exchanged a couple demos in the days after, me floored by the production quality of what he’d been making across hotel rooms, and him being probably too kind (yet decently honest) about the absolute shit I had sent his way.

I told him how I felt lost in my own music. I kept writing “little” shit, I have no concept these days of how to be loud, I feel so small all the time, and I’ve never understood how to write “simple” things. I sent him samples of my various voices - “this is how I actually sing.” He told me to cut out the vibrato thing, and he’s right. It’s a vocal defense mechanism (in my opinion). I asked him if I could bring my songs to San Diego, if he would help me kill them and re-shape them. I did bring my songs, but they never left my backpack - I think that’s probably a good thing.

My second day in San Diego (technically, I was staying in La Jolla), he sent me a guitar track… it was good as fuck. After we spent the day together, he wrote lyrics to it based on experiences I had told him about from a past life. I connected deeply with the song, and if I’m not getting my days mixed up here, the following day we went into the studio. I’m not name dropping here, by the way, but not because there’s any need to maintain some form of secrecy. I just figure not everybody wants a re-cap of their random days on some girl’s blog, but let it be known - I’m very grateful to everyone involved. I can’t wait for you to hear this stuff. Obviously, the credits will all come to light when you do.

I was very nervous that first day. I hadn’t recorded in an actual studio setting since Adventure Club, and that recording process… hell on earth.

I’ve had all sorts of experiences in sessions at this point, and none have been the same. However, the time I spent in the studio during this trip definitely hits top three for me. Give an Inch will always be number one… I think. It would be hard to top. Matt’s studio in Mississippi has a certain magical vibe. Undeniable. This studio did too, and I think I gave a better performance over my time there than I ever have before. The producer my friend connected me with is incredible. I’ve never seen someone be able to take things to the next level the way he does. I don’t know another way of wording that, but it’s incredible to witness. Initially, everything was intimidating. Nobody else’s fault, my insecurities were having a kiki.

I held back in some ways I didn’t like during my first session. I know how to scream, that’s one thing I’ve got down. I know, I know… I know I said before that I’d struggled with being loud, but that doesn’t happen to me in a recording session, just when I’m writing. So, the song initially had a huge vibe contrast, and not in a great way. To me, the verses sounded “empty and soulless.” The pre-choruses and the rest were full of energy. Everyone pretty much agreed, although I think it ate at me in a way only I could tear myself up over. From the second I heard the first bounce, I knew I needed to obsessively listen to my voice about a thousand times to correct it. My approach to this was aggressive, I communicated poorly, and to be frank… I’m sure my brain was also focusing on unrelated matters, which ultimately do not matter. I was also drunk. There was a moment of weirdness. Ultimately, there was no need for it.

For a while, I did what I do best - beach. Lots, and lots of beach.

I met up with old friends I hadn’t seen since my wedding. We also… beach.

I also did lots of other things called… taco, nap, shop, taco, burrito, taco, sushi, beer, taco, michelada, tiki bar.

One night, my AirBnb host (who was a literal angel, mind you) offered me her “Serenity Spa” for the evening. Eagerly accepting her offer, I spent the sunset sitting in a hot tub overlooking the Pacific. I can’t tell you what that felt like. I felt like I was staring straight into the simulation. I stopped by the Little Free Library on the edge of her property, and picked up ‘Divorcing a Narcissist.’ Seemed appropriate, felt like it was left there for me. I wrote a song that night nobody knows about yet.

Before leaving, I did one more studio session, this time just me and the producer. My friend, who put all this together, has a bunch of cool shit of his own going on right now - new releases, press, etc… and as much as I truly enjoy spending time with him, he was super busy. Plus, I am always of the opinion the less people the better while recording vocals.

We knocked out the re-recording of the verses, then wrote a bridge, and once it was in the song, everything else just seemed to flow. Beatles harmonies, catchy-ass bassline, drums that feel like they’re right out of all my favorite bands. The song sounded FULL, and it’s not even done yet. As soon as I got the new bounce, I was fucking obsessed. I usually don’t enjoy listening to my own music - not this time. I shamelessly have been playing it alone in the car on repeat… I can’t believe it’s mine, I can’t believe it’s mine, I can’t believe it’s mine… do I really get to do this????

This experience changed the way I write. Something feels different. My memos are more concise. I am writing… simply. So, I asked the producer I’d been working with if we can work on more. I’m hoping to write a few more songs, hopefully head out there in a month or two, maybe even get an EP going or something. In the meantime, I’m focused on doing all that needs to be done for the first single — video, art, all the backend shit that goes along with getting all that rolling, and all the little things you have to do leading up to even announcing a release. There’s a lot, and I’m doing it independently for now.

There’s a lot of loose future plans floating around, but for the first time they seem real. I have a friend who said she’ll tour with me on guitar - she’s an incredible guitar player (as well as an incredible independent artist) from a super cool band I saw on a tour I did a couple years ago. I might have a drummer… good drummers are always so busy and hard to come by. I need a bass player. I want to be on stage with a bunch of crazy cool girls. Cringy sentence, no? There could be one crazy cool guy in the band if it’s meant to be, I guess. Why would a man be here?? He’d have to be very cool.

Before I get to any of that, it’s about making the music and getting it out there. Then comes the real push - getting others to give a flying fuck that the music exists. Besides social media, which I don’t need an instruction book for, I think the best way to do that is in person. So once the songs exist, I’ll be doing everything I can to play anywhere anyone will have me. Besides that, you’ll be seeing so much of me on your little phone screens that I’ll have you unwillingly humming in your showers and cars… I will be living in your fucking walls. Expect me… that is a threat.

Anyway, here’s a gallery… hehe.