a typical show day
Always the same - roll into a small town, go to a thrift shop, but if I want to buy anything she gives me that look, the one that screams “your money is my money!” Quickly, I put back whatever secondhand item I’d momentarily fooled myself into thinking I’d purchase.
We never stay for long, her wanting to move on quickly. We always seem to continue the walk in the exact opposite direction of any additional shops, or signs of life, her hauling ass ahead of me, as I struggle to speed up my pace in my heeled boots.
It doesn’t matter. The faster I walk, the faster she does too. I am always angled slightly behind.
I light a cigarette.
Next, she wants coffee, asking if I want to go to the coffee shop down the street. Before I can even reply, as my input would hold no weight, she is already headed inside to order. I, of course, pinch off the end of my freshly lit smoke to follow her.
Then, it’s uncomfortable sidewalk cafe chairs in the direct sunlight - she sits sideways, facing away from me the whole time, asks “what are you thinking about?”
The truth: The physical discomfort of the situation, and your apparent hatred of me as a human being.
My response: “nothing.”
Even if I had crafted an alternate train of thought, she would show no interest in whatever I said I was thinking of… so what is the fucking point? Anything I try to share with her, joke about, show her, whatever it is - I walk away from it feeling periceived as somehow less cool than before.
I find my voice softening toward the end of my words to her, feeling it pointless to complete the thought or story, for she has long tuned out. I can already tell she will not meet me in whatever I am trying to convey—the joke wouldn’t land, the thing I wrote wouldn’t move her, the story I want to tell just annoys her. She won’t empathize if something is bothering me, she’ll only breathe life to whatever aspect already hurts, somehow invalidate me, or make me feel responsible - perceived as “miserable,” and all the other descriptors she has for me.
We play in ____, __ tonight. The greenroom sucks. The venue is freezing cold. She yells, I hide in the van. I feel alone.
Smile, Baby June.
Sing out, Louise.
It’s showtime.